There are so many things to say now. Honestly, there is no way to put tonight into words. I don’t even know how to go about talking about it.
But I do want to, because this experience was bittersweet.
I never knew how this phrase got coined... I never experienced it. But now, there it is, bittersweet.
I’m not even sure if I’m going to post this anywhere, I feel I should, but obviously it’s going to awkward (and boring).
He’s online now; I don’t dare to say anything to him. I don’t expect him to say anything to me either. There is really no obligation for him to. But it doesn’t stop the hurt.
This sucks, I’m crying again.
I’m putting msn to ‘away’
Yes, I saw it coming, expected it, even dealt pretty well with it. As far as it goes, he’s been really nice. And we even ended it on a good note.
But I underestimated how hard it’s going to be.
Wanted to call him when I’m in the lift, I chickened out thinking ‘he’s not your boyfriend anymore so quit it’. Until I got his message, asking me to call if I needed to be un-scared.
It suddenly hit me, harder than ever now, what just happened.
He’s always been the first person I think of when I have a free day. He’s always the first person I’ll think of when something big happens and I have to tell someone. The first person I think of when I want to do an activity (like go to the national library). The first person when I wake up in the morning, the last person when I sleep.
It still hurts bad when I realized he’s lost the feeling.
I don’t think I’ve lost the feeling.
What to do.
Tonight, stuff that I’ve never dared to say started coming out.
That the best time I spent with him was our second date.
That when we first kissed, I thought it was the most beautiful thing ever, where we were, what we were doing…
That I remember during our second date, at NYDC, how we were snatching the Tabasco bottle, and it was where our fingers first touched.
That I wanted to go watch the sunrise with him so badly at the chalet.
……
So many things, left unsaid. Is it a too late now…
I wanted to go east coast with you. I wanted to watch the sunrise with you while holding your hands. I wanted to go to a photo booth and take silly pictures with you. I wanted to go to the zoo with you too. I wanted to dance with you. I really enjoyed it everytime we are together. I wanted to go back to Sentosa with you. I wanted to force you to go to the Treetop walk with me. I wanted to go to a wild wild wet with you. I wanted to tell you so much stuff about myself I don’t know where to start. I want to hear you talk about how you spend each day.
I’ve always loved how you look when you are excited and happy about something. I’ve lost interest in clubbing not because I cannot dance with other guys, but because there are no other guys I want to dance with except for you. I’ve always loved how you smile at me. Sometimes I read your past entries on your blog about us, and I’ll feel happier than ever. I check your blog everyday, hoping maybe you’d surprise me by updating something. That I trust you, totally. I love the way you place your hand on my hair, tucking it back, smoothing it down.
That I knew that you were making an effort to make this work and I appreciated it. That I don’t know where we are going, it is frustrating at times, but I don’t know why I still hold on. That I’m touched when you said you were changing your hairstyle cause you feel like you will need to parental approval. I was touched also, when you said even though you sometimes say ‘no’, you’ll still do it to make me happy. That I wished we didn’t stay so far apart. That I was so looking forward to watching the fireworks with you. That last semester would have been very lousy, but having you made those days the happiest I’ve ever been.
That I have a folder in my laptop with pictures of us, and now I can’t look at it without crying.
:: The Girl 7:27 AM [+] ::
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