At the chalet, I thought you just didn’t care about me anymore. And that you were too busy with your friends to even want to meet me. I honestly didn’t realize you suggested 1 night at my friend’s and one night at yours... It didn’t cross my mind that you were actually angry at me… that you didn’t know how to react when I suddenly said I was at a bbq even though I’m sick. I didn’t know what to think honestly. I felt rejected. I felt like you didn’t even want to see me even though I said it’s for a while, and I’m prepared to go over to Pasir Ris if you didn’t want to travel too far. I wanted you to call me so badly but you didn’t so I didn’t as well. Because, like you, I am too prideful. Though, I did call in the end… even it was just 2 rings.
And when you smsed me back the next day with such a cheery sms, I just felt lousy. It seemed like it wasn’t a big deal to you like it was to me. Lots of thoughts going through my mind… trying to interprete what was up in your view point. Thinking maybe you just didn’t want me to go to your place. All the wrong thoughts I guess…
I hate periods of silence too. Sometimes I want to call you, but I find myself pulling back cause I’m afraid you’d think I was clingy or that I’ll disturb you when you are doing something important.
Yesterday was weird too… Or maybe I’m overthinking again. Maybe it was nothing and I’m being over sensitive. I didn’t need to go to the washroom… I just needed to reprieve from everything. I just didn’t want you to see my eyes cause I knew it’s probably red. I hate crying but I have no control over it. I can control everything else pretty well, my emotions, my thoughts, what I say. But it seems like it’s my tears that I have no control over.
I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t want to let you hold my hands or was it something else. I don’t know. It’s an awkward subject to me still. It bothers me and I feel like it will bother other people too. But if you think otherwise, then I guess why I should feel so bothered right.
When I walked away from you, it’s cause I didn’t want you to see that my tears are welling up again.
When I went to the washroom.
When I walked into the aisles in the library.
When you sat beside me at the window ledge at the library.
When I woke you up then went to return the book you were reading.
When we were standing there listening to the guy sing ‘love of my life’
When I walked over presumably to look for the video room.
I didn’t want to you see me. I don’t ever want you to see me cry.
No crying cause that’ll be emotional blackmail. I’m not going to be like other girls who use that to keep a guy. Because I don’t want to tie you down. No one outside my family has seen me really cry, not even my best friends. Okay maybe only one, and that’s when I was feeling really hopeless about us.
Yesterday I kept asking you to go home cause the longer I am with you, the higher the chances of me crying. I spent the whole of the night talking to Ben about you and I.
But maybe it’s not just about me. I always think that things are about me but gosh darn it Chris the world does not revolve around you!
I’m pulling back. If I like you too much and hold on too much, it’ll be hard for me to let go should we break up in a month’s time. I just want you to do what you feel like. I’ll be alright. People get tired of me easily, cause I demand too much. And I can feel it happening already again.
Oh damn it I don’t want to pull back. I’ll regret it if I do. I do want to make this work. I’ll miss everything about you. I’ll miss the way you smile when you’re really happy about something… when you are sleeping … the way you talk to me really gently sometimes… the way you look at me, the way you smell good … with or without ckOne.
:: The Girl 7:15 AM [+] ::
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