I should probably write this down, just in case I chicken out again and end up not saying the things that needed to be said.
Guess the most important thing on my mind right now is why. I know it doesn’t matter now, cause the time frame has changed to one month. But why did you say one year in the first place? Of course I’m not asking for forever, promises like these shouldn’t be callously tossed about. And I do know the limits. But to put a cap on this relationship in the first place makes me feel insecure.
I guess also that’s why I was thinking about us developing further. My thinking is that, since this is all going to end in one year (or even one month) … why should I invest emotionally into this, just to get hurt eventually. It really makes no sense at all. Develop this relationship and get hurt in the future. Keep things status quo, be happy, but wonder where all these lead to… and does this even qualify as a relationship if we don’t talk about things that are important to us.
We probably are very aware of differences between us. And should probably talk about it… but we don’t. I’m not sure about you, but I know why I can never bring it up – I’m too scared to. That’s why when your friend brought it up in the cab that day (and a very brutally honest one I think), one side of me tried to deflect the question by saying something smart-alecky, the other side of me wanted to say the truth but risk sounding maudlin.
I’m together with you because you make me feel, simple as that. I’m happy when I’m with you. But it’s more than that, I guess, because happiness can also come about when I’m hanging out with friends or such. I guess the kind of happiness is different. Bliss is the closest I can come to it, but it’s not the word. Just – comfortably happy. Like yesterday, standing with you watching the people play with the racing cars. I was happy enough. And not to make it sound like emotional blackmail or anything, but I’ve never cried so much over small little things.
I do hate crying in front of you – like I’ve told you that day. I feel it’s like emotional blackmail. I didn’t want you to stay on in this relationship just for the sake of making sure I am not hurt. No. That’s not the way it should be. I hate feeling like a charity case. And I would hate it if you were a reluctant party in this relationship. In a sense I’ll be more hurt.
Also needed to say this – I promise to be more honest and not bottle up everything. I have a tendency to overanalyze smallest actions. And because of that, I’m also not rational and become spiteful and childish. I tend to think the worst. Even something as trivial as you not replying to my msn message I think too much. I think ‘maybe he’s playing a game, maybe he’s away, maybe he is in the shower, maybe he’s doing something more important, maybe he’s not in the mood to talk to me, maybe he’s with another friend talking about more important things, maybe he’s with a girl he likes more, maybe he hates me and is ignoring me.’ You see? I’m being completely nonsensical and irrational. I recognize that and I try to be as normal as possible, but I just can’t stop these thoughts from flowing into my head.
Then I think – I’ll need to ask him about this the next time we meet. But I never do, cause I don’t know how to bring it up, and I’m afraid I’ll come across as clingy. Which obviously is definitely clingy… I mean, it’s just a lousy msn message. And I hate being clingy. It’s irritating.
Maybe after all, I’m not as low maintenance as I thought. I demand a lot of things. Maybe even things you cannot give me now. I don’t want you to change your lifestyle to suit mine, it’s unfair. But I want assurance… wait I need assurance. I cannot stand it when there are period of days of not talking to you. I refer to that as you shutting down on me, but then thinking it through after a friend pointed out to me, I’m also guilty of not telling you stuff.
And sometimes I think we are moving too fast.
And oh… there are so many things I want to say. I’m not sure if I should bring it up. I was told that guys really don’t like it when they hear the phrase ‘We should talk’, so I’ll try my best to say only the most important things.
:: The Girl 6:21 AM [+] ::
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