:: Friday, October 28, 2005 ::

You're not in the bloody evoked set so why???????????

The thing about being in marketing is that you know terms for the most apt situation ever and you wonder why they don't use it for more occasions. Like now, for example.

I got so many questions that I know the answer to but because I am a sucker for punishing myself, force myself to think about the whys and the details.

am i not in the evoked set anymore? (yes, you're not, but you're not facing it)

it's nothing at all isn't it? (yes, nothing at all, don't think so highly of yourself)

why the heck is he treating me like i'm his girlfriend? (no bloody reason why)

how come i complain about ppl not messaging me, then get annoyed when he messages me too much? (i don't like being persued i love being taken for granted)

why am i up and down all the time? (because it is raining)

do i still give a damn? (yes, but it doesn't matter anymore)

am i still worried? (a bit. but again, it doesn't matter anymore)

am i mean to string him on? (yes, very. stop it. stop it!)

do i need a distraction, or 20 distractions? (i need 20, i don't want to deal with only one person right now)

is it really that mean to date more than 1 person at a time? (no)

is it that horrible to want to hurt some people just because? (yes, but i don't give a damn)

what on earth is happening to me? (this i really don't know)
:: The Girl 7:31 PM [+] ::
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:: Thursday, October 27, 2005 ::

I love the rain.

It's been raining since 8. It's the kind of rain I love - the really heavy rain with thunder and lightning and cold winds. I was wearing my British India sweater, with a camisole and shorts. I was freezing in school, and I love it.

Have I mentioned how much I loved being in the rain? I think we are all too conditioned to avoid the rain, it's like a natural reaction. I don't remember why anymore, but I love being in the rain. I think it's so romantic. Haha. I'm not talking about being in the rain with an umbrella or anything, it's just being in the rain itself. Being caught up in the rain. Being drenched, soaked.

Being subdued.

By the rain.
:: The Girl 7:37 AM [+] ::
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:: Tuesday, October 25, 2005 ::

the french do it better.

whoever said the anything french is synonymous with romantic must know what they are talking about. it's no biggie, but man my french classmate's really quite good at the flirting thing. heh. the winks, the smiles, the compliments, the sudden 'so you eat ice cream in bed' line delivered in that tone in the middle of class. heh. okay maybe not really romantic, but definitely interesting. and i realised i have something for that accent, especially when he sometimes lapses into french and say merci or très bon or au revoir and the likes.

kind of keeps me on my feet. =)
:: The Girl 4:34 AM [+] ::
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:: Saturday, October 22, 2005 ::

one of my friend's getting married! i've always heard about it here and there, but there was no confirmation or anything, and i thought it was an engagement only. but oh wow, oh my god!

how brave she must be, to settle down so soon. i can't imagine getting married at 21, heck, i can't imagine myself getting married in the near future. i mean, marriage!! you have to look at the person FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! rest of your life! what if he's the wrong one??? and let's say you live till 90, you have to look at him for 70 years!

70 years!

i get scared even hearing about marriage. and oh, i so totally understand runaway brides. man, what if you become bored of him? what if you get tired of settled down life? what if you want to have fun? how??

this is surely a sign of my immaturity, but omg! one guy. for the rest of your lifeeeeee!!! perhaps it's not meeting the correct person yet, and when you do, you'll feel like you could spend your whole life with him. but for now i can't wrap my mind around that concept...
:: The Girl 2:03 AM [+] ::
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:: Wednesday, October 19, 2005 ::

how will this story end?

it has already ended.

suddenly it feels like i never really knew you at all.







it's makes me sad, but there is nothing i can do.
:: The Girl 9:19 PM [+] ::
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I've forgotten how much I love the nights; now this is going to sound seriously nerdy, but i love working working late into the nights on a tight deadline, nothing gives me more satisfaction than finishing the report by 4-5 am, falling into bed, waking up at 12 to print out the report to submit to prof. and then go back to sleep again.

i am quite thoughtful lately. i don't know why. i feel the need to blog, but not really. erm, i don't know. you know the urge to type but you get writer's block, kind of. this is going to sound really meaningless. sigh, i don't know. haha... it seems like my vocabulary revolves around 'i don't know'.

just don't feel like being funny for a while. my friends told me they usually read my blog and not some other friend's because mine was funny. but i am not in the funny mood recently, at least not while blogging, in real life though i've been laughing till my cheeks hurt. am i the kind who puts up a facade?

been distancing myself from the usual group of friends lately and getting close to another bunch of people. it's not by choice or anything, it's just how sometimes you get closer to some people, other times you get closer to another group. it's a cycle. maybe the other group holds too much bad memories? what bad memories? haha. i don't know, but i'm happier with the new group, which is good. but then you always have the staple group of friends who never distances, and the ones i'm always happy with because they make me laugh.

i'm surrounded by memories of k again lately. is it a cycle?... after all these time, i can still remember. it's amazing, we never really got very close or anything, and nothing came out of it all, but for a while last year and early this year there was only him on my mind all the time. it's that spark, i guess. that one moment in time which you'll remember about this person, because it was that moment you decide he is actually quite special.

i spoke to some of my friends about this 'spark' theory thing, they never could pin point when they fell for another person... which is strange, i could. and i can usually remember what we said, what we wore, what we were doing, the slight nuances of eye movement, the slight change in our voices, and (this is cliched) how the sun seemed to shine a little brighter at that moment.

at the beach, he was about 5 meters away, and he was calling over to me to tell me something.

'okay' i called back

he smiled.

i smiled.

i looked away.

for some reason i turned back again at him, he was still looking at me.

that sideways smile,

the way his eyes were focused on mine.

i tried to look away again, because i felt awkward, but i couldn't because ... it was so nice.

to be standing there with everyone running about around us

but at that moment there was only us.




haha... i'm not like falling all over again, i haven't seen him for some time, and our lifestyles are too different, i guess. i just like to write. and that was written a while back, i think, i just dug it up again. and i always thought that moment was so pretty. i can actually remember how it felt like being there and all. that's actually quite amazing huh... i think it's both a blessing and a curse to remember too much. haha... that's why when i initially watched 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind', i was baffled as to why she would want to just wipe out every trace of him. but after thinking about it, why not? she was happier after that... or was she? am i more jim carrey or kate winslet?
:: The Girl 3:18 AM [+] ::
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:: Tuesday, October 18, 2005 ::

i'm so excited, i finally knew how to do my spss assignment. i actually let out a little scream. i can't believe how excited i am over knowing how to do my assignment. not that i'm excited that i know how to do it, it's just that it's due tomorrow, and i'm still struggling here. something's really wrong when the most excitment i got this week was from knowing how to do my homework. but still. whatever. i rock.

this makes me feel immensely better. i wonder why i was so upset earlier on.
:: The Girl 10:38 AM [+] ::
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my head hurts, a lot. i don't know why. it's just a lot of stress coming on, and there are so much stuff happening around me. so many changes. it seems like i've just stepped out of this cocoon thingy and find that the world around me has changed so much i can't recognise it anymore. people, places, situations. so much is changing, maybe i should start walking too. i seem to be stuck in this place, it doesn't move, and i don't mind. there are so many people nudging me, trying to get me to walk, but i just stand still, in awe, because all the changes are making me really disorientated. i was never very good with changing against my will; i can change and adapt very fast if i felt i needed to, but this time it's really quite hard. it's like inertia. fuck fuck fuck, i really feel very shitty now. maybe it's the stress and the night. i was never very good with nights. i don't understand a lot about myself also, i cannot read myself. i think i'm so good and perfect on the outside but i'm a mess inside. where exactly am i heading...
:: The Girl 9:29 AM [+] ::
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:: Monday, October 17, 2005 ::

I was just thinking … is there something wrong with me? going out with w that day, and how i thought he was so damn cocky talking about the girls who like him. and then i see their photos. it's not like they are chopped liver, they are actually quite pretty, all of them. why didn’t i feel the same about him hm? i remember when he was interested in me... how hard i was running away, even resorting to lying about my handphone being spoilt. and there are all these damn pretty girls who really really like him and even going after him. like is it something wrong with me??!! do i have no taste?! haha... and he fits all of my basic criteria. mainly english speaking, but bilingual, taller than me, can hold a conversation, tanned, not scarily muscular nor too skinny, knows how to dress, and is confident.

i have a basic criteria thing. it's not like if he has all these, i'll definitely fall for him. it's more of, the guys i like will generally have these basic traits similar. it's like subconscious screening. but ya, things have to go beyond the basic traits, and maybe in this case it didn't.

anyway, i was right about him, inner jerk radar flashing away. he is a jerk! my intuition's really good. haha.

kind of makes me wonder why jerk radar didn't work a second time. hah.

anyhoo, he also automatically fell into the friend zone. which means nothing he says or does can ever change the fact that he is a friend. haha... and he is a friend now. i mean, i don't like it that he cheats on his girlfriend (see, jerk radar is correct) and i tell him that, but he remains a friend still. why? doesn't it go against my principles? i don't know... it does. but it's fun hanging out with him also. can do stuff with him that i don't normally do with other people, cause he's as mad as it goes. is it the real me when i'm with him? haha... trying to annoy him by sticking on the left hand side everytime i walk, yawning and talking at the same time, talking loudly, whining complaining about walking... haha.

i don't think i like him la. haha, but i like hanging out with people like that... can do stupid stuff, yet not afraid to get judged. okay, maybe not judged, but not afraid that they will feel grossed out.
:: The Girl 7:15 AM [+] ::
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